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[Tuesday] |
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today i forgot not to run out of good things to think about. i didnt pace myself and thus ended the day with nothing but bad thoughts undiscovered. everything adds up to a negative sign to big to see from end to end. some people can but i cant afford a wide enough lens or thick enough skin. my eyes are too afraid to look apart.
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[Monday] |
my final rant about my mother's drinking(i swear)
you love alchohol more than me. and you arent sorry for anything youve ever done. the person you are when you're drunk is still a part of who you are and that part of you isnt sorry for shit. i secretly hope that you find your way into trouble when you're drunk and never get out of it. and i can look back and be self-righteous all i want and no one will be able to say shit. i hope someone ties you down, drinks themselves retarded and yells in your face about whatever theyre thinking for four years on and off. just like you've done me. i hope they they spit in your face and say things to you that you would never want to hear, even from someone you hate. things that cut you deep and leave you with demons in your head for the rest of your life. becasue i've got them from you. you've made me doubt my belief in humanity, my own sanity, my sexual orientation, even my ability to love. there are things that youve left imprinted in my head that i can never overcome. things that wrap their hands around my neck when im not paying attention. i feel a physical pull on my heart from time to time. there is a different and completely complex level of awareness inside my head. thoughts i think that no one hears. i feel like a giant box of psychological complexes when im by myself. its not something that i think anyone can understand. even if you think you do, you dont.
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| Night Time Brings Out The Monsters in Us All. |
[Wednesday] |
like fire to spark,
like clouds to pour,
like wind to blow,
like i adore.
as much as these things love to do,
thats how much i think of you.
like life to form,
like form to fail,
like love to see
and light to save.
as much as things like this can claim,
i wish our paths would point the same.
havent written what i thought in ages,
i dont know where i go so long.
i guess my life, it circles stages,
and makes me want to sing some songs.:]
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[Monday] |
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the most excited but empty sleep of my life. dreamless, without need for dreams.
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[Thursday] |
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"you will never know what love is until you get your heart yanked out by someone like yourself."
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[Monday] |
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you wont die happy. you wont die rich. you wont die together. the reason you dont know exactly how it will be is because no one dead has ever told anyone how it feels. and thats because theres no one to tell when you die. no art shop with trendy alternative postcards to send everyone to tell them exactly whats going on. it will just be a quiet place where the sun is constantly overhead, reminding you that you were right when you told yourself it seemed like the days never ended. you will leave your bed, the ipod, the television, your favorite shirt. bury your body in it if you want. you will not die in your lover's arms because fate is saying fuck that. youre mine now. your soul will go cold because you will have no scarf and no socks. you will not have your cats wrapped around you at night. you will only have the sun and white pavement that it will blair off of.
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[Monday] |
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i start school tomorrow. i hope the other kids like me.
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| parking lots |
[Monday] |
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im angry at people as a whole because of stupid shit that people do. people that fucked up my car for no reason. people that fit in to the ninety percent that could do nothing other than just die and make the world better by their absence.
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[Tuesday] |
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i sat on the side of the road, singing runaway train.
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[Monday] |
i would like to begin by saying im sorry to the cyrs for any inconvenience my presence has ever caused. brenda, you are amazing and even though i can't say it in person, i love you for everything you do. the children you have. by blood and otherwise. the lives you've changed simply by caring. and existing. and the house you hold. if i could give anyone anything you've ever given the people that are lucky enough to be apart of what we have, even the smallest thing, i would feel like i had done my part as a human being. i don't know when i will be there again but if it isn't tomorrow, don't think for a minute that i've forgotten or that i've run off. i used to have anxiety about thinking that i would never become well known for who i was and the things i did. but i realised through your example and the regard where i place you, that being human is all we can do and that you're well known in my heart and will remain that way.
i'll write more later.
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[Thursday] |
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i need some suggestions on how to handle it if your grandmother wants to pay your tuition and book fees, but doesnt know you've been banned from the school book store for theft. anyone?
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[Wednesday] |
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i will be attending a deathcab for cutie show in raleigh tomorrow. i am ecstatic. and the day after, i will be going on a camping trip with friends of mine. but it will hopefully be a good experience. so i will see everyone around sunday i suppose.
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[Thursday] |
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i heard something and felt a bump under my tires on the way downtown tonight. but i don't know what it was. and i pressed the gas harder as i thought about it. apparently my conscience over powers my existance because no matter how fast i travel, i can't forget a thing.
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[Wednesday] |
i came in the house, threw my keys on the dishwasher and grabbed something to eat. and i stood there thinking "this is so typical" in reference to the world as a whole at that given moment. i wish i had a picture to show what i was thinking. maybe i saw more than a person should have at that specific moment in time.
but i made up for it by randomly hocking a loogie and spitting it on my own floor a half of an hour later. and then realising that i didnt know what the fuck i did it for.
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[Tuesday] |
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sometimes i look at people and want to set myself on fire.
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[Friday] |
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i feel terrible for offending. its the first blemish that i can remember.
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[Wednesday] |
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im gonna delete my myspace soon. cause i just got upset that i wasn't on someones top 8 and now i feel like a prick. so i think it needs to go.
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[Saturday] |
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apparently it is believed that turning impersonal situations into personal attacks from me is ok. it is not.
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[Saturday] |
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lately ive been gauging thoughts' profundities by the way i forget them.
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